You’re more than a customer to us — you’re part of a family that judges your every move — Other virtual assistants tell you what you want to know. MomE tells you what you need to hear. Its advanced AI collects your personal information to gain an intimate knowledge of your failures. Then it targets your most vulnerable insecurities, shaming you into achieving your goals. MomE communicates with all…

Tell us what will make you dickheads do something — “The climate time-bomb is ticking,” said António Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, in a statement to mark the launch of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s synthesis report on Monday. “Humanity is on thin ice — and that ice is melting fast,” he added. — The New York Times…

Our sorcerers have proof! — House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer (R-Ky.) surprised Fox News host Maria Bartiromo after a wild update on his Biden family investigation in which he claimed an informant may have gone “missing,” something he suggested was linked to “spy business.” — Huffpost, May 14, 2023 I, Representative James Comer, am…

Denying it only means it’s true. — Do you know what “teddy porn” is? Of course you do, and you won’t persuade me otherwise. Because you love it. You can’t get enough of it. You think of little else from the time you wake up, to the time you go to bed (with a plushy fuck-bear, I…

First published June 8, 2022 in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency It’s a little bittersweet when your child graduates from high school active-shooter drills. I know I should be happy she’s moving on to new challenges, adventures, and university-level massacre-prevention measures, but I can’t help but feel a little sad too. Seems…

I can stop driving while I wait for death — First published April 19, 2023 in Points in Case “Autopilot, Enhanced Autopilot and Full Self-Driving Capability are intended for use with a fully attentive driver, who has their hands on the wheel and is prepared to take over at any moment.” — Tesla Turn on your car’s autopilot. Now sit…

Get on it, NASA! — Fewer people for self-driving cars to run over. Ruining second planet shows Earth it’s nothing personal. Living on moon legit excuse for missing friend’s improv show. Jeff Bezos’ bio-dome gets free Amazon Prime. View of Earth’s natural disasters looks really cool from up there. Peaceful co-existence with settlers until moon…

Unsurprisingly, the bear wants more cocaine. — Sequels Cocaine Bear 2: Bear Won’t Stop Talking Cocaine Bear 3: Bear Wants To Borrow Some Money Cocaine Bear 4: Paranoid Bear Thinks CIA Can Read Its Mind Cocaine Bear 5: Bear Family Intervention Cocaine Bear 6: Rehab Bear Cocaine Bear 7: Relapse Bear Cocaine Bear 8: Divorce Bear Cocaine…

Which ethereal creation is it? — 1. Its eerie whimsy is both unnerving and childlike. 2. Covered in a shimmering fabric. 3. Observers unsure if human or extraterrestrial. 4. Floats above the Earth with a dreamy grace. 5. Makes Fox News angry. 6. Uses sophisticated communication system. 7. Completed solo tour of United States. 8. Confounds…