Member-only story
Admire My Kitchen Remodel or Die
First published March 8, 2022 in The Satirist
Grand Rapids, Michigan — Proud homeowner Mary Davidson used a tranquilizer dart to anesthetize her neighbor, Arnold O’Malley, before dragging him into her house. She shackled O’Malley to her newly installed island counter and held him captive until he praised the counter for being just the right size for her kitchen.
“But it wasn’t the right size!” O’Malley recalled, shuddering at the memory of Davidson’s poor design choices. “It was too large for the space, ruined the flow, and wrecked the feng shui!”
“She kept using the phrase ‘tidy and tasteful’ over and over, played through loudspeakers with lights shining in my eyes to break me psychologically,” O’Malley continued, his hands shaking. “I guess it worked, or else it was Stockholm Syndrome, because after a while, I kept saying it too, even though the island counter was positioned too far from the stove. The maggots she cooked to barely keep me alive could have been more easily served if the counter were closer to the pan of fly larvae.
“Then she directed my attention to her new appliances, and I realized she wasn’t going to let me go unless I celebrated every aspect of her grotesque redesign. I tried nodding, and making appreciative sounds, and looking impressed, but it wasn’t enough. She insisted I absolutely…
