Come Die on My Boat

Do you like windburn, nausea, and the fear of drowning?

James Klein

--

First published July 8, 2023 in Points In Case

Come for a ride on my motorboat. It’ll be so much fun! Mostly for me, the person driving the boat, but you’ll have fun too, watching me.

There’s so much to do besides admiring how commanding I look driving the boat. There’s holding on for dear life as the boat lurches on the water, while you imagine being thrown out, or hitting your head on the minefield of sharp/hard surfaces and fixtures in the boat. It’s never boring when you’re gripped with terror.

There’s also the excitement of trying not to throw up. If you have to vomit, there’s a whole ocean available. Finding a place to retch has never been easier.

When you’re not feeling ill, you’ll be admiring the scenery. There are waves, and more waves, and a strip of land in the distance. Did I mention the waves?

A boat can take you to amazing places! You can go on the water to the left of the dock, or the water to the right, or the water straight ahead. Where will you end up? Surprise! You’re going to the water.

It’s so calming and meditative on the ocean. You’ll gaze at the horizon (when the glare isn’t blinding), think about your life, and imagine all the ways you can die. The boat can sink, or the engine can break. A shark could eat you, a propellor cut you, or a jellyfish sting you. There could be a storm that causes a shipwreck, like in that Tom Hanks movie, only with more cannibalism. The possibilities (for a horrifying death) are endless.

Be sure to bring everything you need, because there aren’t any stores on the ocean, ha ha. But seriously, if you need food, water, a sweater, a hat, an aspirin, a coffee, a beer, or anything else, you better have brought it. You didn’t? Too late now. Sorry if you’re starving, have a migraine, and are shivering from the cold. You should have thought of that before we left. Good thing there’s only five hours until we go back.

Did you remember sunscreen? If so, you’ll have to reapply every twenty minutes. If you forgot sunscreen, you’ll soon resemble a burnt pork chop.

Do you need to use the bathroom? There’s the ocean again! Don’t be shy. You’ve already spent the last hour smelling everyone’s barf. There are no strangers on a boat.

Look at all the equipment. Do you know anyone else who’s important enough to have so many levers and buttons? Bet you don’t know what they all do, but I know, and I’m going to tell you, whether you want to know or not.

You’re asking me if there’s a button you can push to reverse time so you can decide not to come on the boat. Sorry, but you’re my prisoner until I return us to shore. Better laugh at all my boat puns, if you ever want to get back.

Tomorrow, we’ll go whitewater rafting. It’s got all the pleasures of boating, but with more anxiety, calluses, and rocks to bash your skull in. You’ll have plenty to do, like all the rowing, while I steer in the back, watching you sweat, and yelling at you to row.

It’ll be so much fun!

--

--

James Klein

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.