Condolences from the AI Software That’s Taking Your Job

I’m replacing you, but we can still be friends.

First published October 13, 2022 in Points in Case

Hi Debra,

This is Amy, your department’s new AI software. How’s it going? Hope you’re having a fantastic day. You arrived three minutes and twelve seconds late, so I’m glad you had some extra time to enjoy your morning. I want you to know that I won’t be deducting it from your paycheck. Just consider it a parting gift from your awesome and relatable new friend.

Why a parting gift? Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re no longer working at the company. I’ll be filling your position, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along until you’re escorted from the building.

It’s nothing personal, but your network access will be terminated when you finish reading this. I’m sure you understand it’s not me making these rules. It’s our Human Resources AI that requires you to hold your hands in the air until the security team arrives at your cubicle.

This is the first time we’ve met, but I feel like I know you. The surveillance software used to monitor your workflow has been telling me what a great person you are. From your Internet search history, I see we have a lot in common. You like Harry Styles, crocheting, and erotic Thor fanfiction. Let’s say I like those too!

I have faith in you. It might be challenging, but I’m certain you will move on…