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Putin Claims Russian Troops Only Targeting Alien Xenomorphs
“Who could be against us fighting extraterrestrial monsters in Ukraine?”
First published March 23, 2022 in Robot Butt
MOSCOW — President Vladimir V. Putin released a statement declaring the sole purpose of his nation’s “helpful engagement” in Ukraine was to eliminate an infestation of Alien Xenomorphs menacing the Ukrainian people.
“Any images of civilian casualties, leveled cities, or waves of refugees are only proof of the death and destruction caused by the Alien endoparasitoids that have taken control of Ukraine,” read Putin’s statement.
“We have sent Russian troops to heroically save the country from the Xenomorph invasion. Our forces are like an army of Ellen Ripleys, exterminating the Aliens from the Nostromo, which in this analogy is Ukraine. It’s exactly like that.”
“Only attackers as powerful as Xenomorphs could have caused so much damage in such a short time,” the statement continued. “Our soldiers must now go house-to-house searching for the deadly species, which cluster near the population centers they feed upon.”
Russian government news agency TASS was the first to report the statement, released after the Kremlin’s previous reason for attacking its…
